Strike Up the Band

(a short story)

The alarm went off at 5 am. Buddy groaned, hit the snooze button, and rolled over.

BRRRRAAAAAAHHH, it went at 5:15.

“Guuuuuuh.” Buddy pressed one hand against his head, silenced the alarm, and tried to blink the sleep from his eyes. It was obscenely early. “The things we do for love,” he muttered, eyeing the tunnel leading out of his underground digs. His body cried out viscerally for five more minutes of sleep, but he knew it would all be worth it. The mosh pit, the incessant THRUM THRUM THRUM, the writhing bodies, the red eyes—the one girl, gazing up at him. And after the concert, they would slip away …

The bands would be setting up at ground level by now. He stretched, yawned three more times, gave his apartment of seventeen years one last look, and started along the tunnel. He felt a pang of regret as he shrugged off his leather jacket. It was his pride and joy, with its huge pink letters spelling BUG PUNK COLLECTIVE. But it was a warm day, and he wouldn’t need it.

A moment later, he was standing on the lawn of a quiet two-story home, staring around at a dark, desolate landscape. The sun wasn’t up, and the street lights still cast an eerie glow. No humans were stirring. Well, he wouldn’t have expected them to be. But—

“Where is everyone?”

Buddy’s band and the rest of the lineup should be swarming the streets of Cincinnati by now—careening through the air, catching up, and, most important, making beautiful music and starting their magical summer of love. Yet here he was, all alone, feeling a little bit foolish and quite a bit resentful. What’s a band with just one member?

He spread his wings and flew a few feet into the air, scanning his surroundings. There was no sign of his friends, but something floated toward him. He saw a flash of newsprint. Fluttering down on top of it, he walked across the surface, reading carefully. “DEWINE LIFTS STAY-AT-HOME ORDER; NUMBER OF CONFIRMED OHIO CASES APPROACHES 30,000.” And above these words, a date: May 19, 2020.

Buddy slumped back on his hind legs.

2020.

Not seventeen years. Sixteen.

His hand must’ve slipped when he programmed the alarm.

That’s why no one else was here. They were all snug in their burrows, still fast asleep.

“I knew it was too early to get up,” Buddy moaned.

His mind was blank. Going back to sleep was impossible—in a daze he remembered taking off his jacket on his way out of the tunnel. His burrow would be assigned to a new tenant, at triple the rent.

He would never see his band. He would never meet that one special someone. He would never experience the aching joys of love.

For years he had imagined what it would be like to be surrounded by others like him. He would never know now.

“Brood IX.V, that’s what I am,” he said bitterly.

He sat breathing heavily, his anger mellowing to a gentle sadness. And as always when he felt sad, he did the only thing he could do. He began to sing.

Still singing, he flew to a low branch of a nearby tree. He sang of loneliness and longing, of the children he would never have, of the mate who was destined for someone else, of the band who would set up their instruments behind a different lead singer.

The rhythmic thrumming in his abdomen calmed him. And when he was satisfied with his song, he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Seattle “Sunpocalypse” Drags On

The unremitting sun and blue skies that have beaten down on Seattle for the past few weeks have brought the city to a virtual standstill. Demoralized residents have dubbed the unusual weather event “Sunpocalypse” or “Sunmageddon.”

“I’m totally freaked out,” said Janine Walsh, a freelance graphic designer who lives in the Madrona neighborhood. “I love the Seattle summer, but hello, this is October! It’s supposed to be cold, drizzly, and miserable. I feel totally cheated.”

Walsh’s concerns were echoed by other Seattle residents. “It’s too gorgeous out there,” said Chris Madsen of West Seattle. “I can’t concentrate. And I’m afraid to go near the beach because people keep smiling at me! What happened to the Seattle I know and love?”

“I have Seasonal Affective Disorder,” said Amy Wong of Green Lake, referring to the depression that can affect people who are deprived of sunlight. “I should be deep in existential angst by this time of year. Instead I’m brimming with energy and excitement. This is all wrong.”

Many Seattleites have been unable to get to work. “The roads are just too dangerous,” said Ben Carlyle, a software developer at Microsoft. “People keep staring out the window at the beautiful trees, with leaves glistening in the sunlight, and don’t pay attention to the road. I’m staying home till this is over. I have food, but I’m really bored by now.”

The ongoing sunny streak has led to a run on basic supplies, such as sunscreen and sunglasses. “We’re backed up on orders for prescription sunglasses,” confirmed Gina McNamara, an optician at Eyes on YOU, in Ballard. Most local drugstores have run out of all but 15 SPF sunscreen.

Not everyone is unhappy with the weather. Several particularly scenic blocks on Queen Anne hill near the Kerry Park overlook, which have been closed to traffic due to “the menace of inattention,” as Seattle Department of Transportation spokesperson Joe McCarra put it, were dotted with sunbathers, many of them lying in the middle of the road. “We’re taking back the streets of Seattle,” explained a young woman, who closed her eyes and stretched out before a reporter could ask her name.

Transplants from other parts of the country have reacted to “Sunpocalypse 2012” with attitudes ranging from amusement to frustration. “I moved here from Philadelphia in 2009, and I can’t believe what I’m seeing,” said Tim Messinger, a web developer. “We have blistering hundred-degree weather in Philadelphia, and everyone just puts on sunscreen and walks around with hand-held fans and gets on with it. Here we have a few days of sunshine and everything grinds to a halt. It’s ridiculous!”

“I’m not going to work because I refuse to drive in this,” added Carl Sanchez, a system administrator. “Not because I don’t know how to drive in this weather—I grew up in New York—but because nobody else does. People here don’t understand basic stuff that people in other parts of the country do as a matter of course, like how to adjust their sun visors so they can see. Let me know when the clouds come out.”

Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn has drawn criticism for his handling of the disaster. “He should be doing more,” complained Kristen Hall of Wallingford, echoing the opinion of many residents. “Why doesn’t he send firefighters onto the roofs with hoses and giant strainers so people can go back to work?”

The mayor has responded by urging calm. “I know everyone is worried and upset, but relief is on the way,” he said this afternoon. “If we can just hold out till the end of this week, I can promise Seattleites eight straight months of raw, drizzly, dark days.”

Opera Singer Hospitalized for Scenery Ingestion

Operatic sensation Graziella Balduccini-Jones was rushed to a local hospital late Thursday night after becoming ill during a performance at the Munich Opera Festival. A festival spokesperson declined to provide further details, but sources close to the festival reported that the beloved soprano was taken ill midway through a performance of Verdi's Aida, in which she was singing the title role, after eating part of the sets. She finished the performance but collapsed during the curtain calls and was taken to the hospital, where she is said to be in stable condition.

"I've been waiting for this to happen for years," said the American mezzo Ashley Duncan, a friend of Balduccini-Jones. "I keep telling Graziella, stop chewing the scenery, because one of these days you're going to swallow something, but does she listen?" Duncan explained, however, that the diva does not have an eating disorder. "She never does anything like this outside the opera house, except once she bit a piece out of a piano during a song recital. It's not a food issue, it's just that she gets so caught up in the drama that she starts gnawing on bits of the sets and props. Once she chewed up her whole fan in Tosca and stuck it on the bottom of Scarpia's seat. When he pulled up his chair to write out the safe-conduct for Tosca and Mario, his hand went right into the middle of it. I thought he was going to stab her instead of the other way around."

Balduccini-Jones, a charismatic singer with a powerful but limpidly beautiful voice, is immensely popular but also controversial. Fans adore her instantly recognizable sound and the emotional truth of her acting, but detractors complain that she is a lazy singer who doesn't bother to fully master her challenging repertoire and instead coasts on her glamorous looks and gimmicky acting. "I'm not at all surprised that this happened, frankly," said the Icelandic tenor Ketill Hallgeirsson, who famously refused to work with Balduccini-Jones ever again after a production of Puccini's La bohème at the La Fenice opera house in Venice in 2007. "Every production I was in with her, the sets would be in tatters after opening night. When we were in Bohème, she chewed up the table and spit it out, and then climbed halfway up the wall to get the paper moon in the window and put it in her mouth. I was trying to sing my aria, and everybody was watching her antics. I hope this is a wake-up call for her."

An administrator at New York's Metropolitan Opera, who asked not to be identified, confirmed that Balduccini-Jones's scenery chewing has been an issue there. "Ever wonder why we always schedule her for the first three performances and then bring in the second cast? That's all we can afford to give her, even though she sells out the house for every performance. It's especially bad when she's singing the title role in [Puccini's] Madama Butterfly. We decided not to hire her for the current production [by Anthony Minghella] because we use a puppet to represent Butterfly's infant son. We're afraid of the reaction from our subscribers if they see the heroine onstage eating her child."

For her loyal fans, however, Balduccini-Jones can do no wrong. "No other singer has ever moved me like Graziella," enthused Joseph Pines, a social studies teacher from Bridgeport, Connecticut, who was present at Thursday night's performance. "The Graziella haters will be out in full force, but they just can't deal with the totality of the Graziella experience. She gives 120 percent every time. She insisted on finishing the performance on Thursday even though she was terribly ill, because she wouldn't let her fans down. I'm praying she makes a full recovery."

It is unclear which part of the scenery caused the diva's illness, but attendees at the final performance of Aida on Saturday evening (in which the English soprano Leslie Smith sang the title role) reported that the Nile river in Act 3 had a "patched-together" look.

Spice Up Your Remodel!

"Architecturally Unique, 1927 Townhome in Historic Anhalt Building....This 2 Story Condo Was Fully Updated In 2007 With Remodeled Kitchen And Bath, Refinished Hardwoods...Etc. Whilst Marinating All Architectural Relevance."  — Condo listing, Seattle, current

Anhalt Marinade

Prep time: 10 minutes

Ingredients

1 clawfoot tub, coarsely chopped
crown moldings, about two standard walls' worth, paint peeled, minced
2 leaded-glass cabinet doors, trimmed and glass crushed
1 French door, chopped, or pulsed in food processor in batches
2 gallons olive oil
1 gallon white wine vinegar
1 bay leaf
Salt and pepper

1. Combine tub, moldings, leaded glass, and French door in a large bowl (I use my backyard swimming pool—don't forget to drain it first!). Add olive oil and vinegar and stir with a large wooden spoon (oars are great for this). Add the bay leaf, and season to taste with salt and pepper.

2. Spread all over walls, floor, and ceiling of apartment. Rub into windows and radiator covers. Let sit at room temperature for at least two hours, or overnight.

3. Renovate apartment according to your favorite recipe.

Makes enough for one average one-bedroom apartment. Recipe can be doubled.

Advance preparation: Marinade may be made up to three days ahead. Cover with a tarpaulin until ready to use.

Note: The ad quoted at top is real, though it does not refer to the building pictured. Don't try this at home.

A New Jewish TV Station for Seattle

A television station entirely devoted to Jewish programming is set to hit the airwaves next month. The station, KVEY, will run on channel 180 and can be picked up on a weak signal throughout the Seattle area.

"So it's a weak signal, what do you want from me?" said Ruth Mecklenberg, KVEY's executive producer. "Turn it up if you can't hear. So what if it has a bit of a crackle to it? It's nostalgic. Like talking to your great-aunt Alice across the country in the seventies."

The station will offer a mixture of music, talk, and educational programming. Cooking shows will air every day of the week (except Saturday, when the station will be dark), with highlights including "Schmaltz It Up with Tante Leah" (Tuesdays at 3 p.m.), "Babka with Bubbe" (Thursdays at noon), and a challah-baking tutorial on Fridays beginning at 10 a.m. and interrupting afternoon programs at intervals to cover the bread's rises, shaping, and baking. "That way the home baker can follow along and watch the progress in real time," explained the show's host, Ethel Blixstein.

Other highlights include a game show called "The Biggest Shlimazel" (Wednesdays at 8 p.m.) and a dance competition hosted by DJ Shlomo "the Bear" Shlomovitz and entitled "So You Think You Can Dance the Hora?" (Mondays at 9 p.m.). The full schedule is not yet set.

"What do you mean the schedule isn't set?" said Mrs. Mecklenberg. "It's been all ready for months, what are you talking about? Besides, is it so terrible if we don't have every single program worked out? You think you can do better, go make your own Jewish TV station."

It is unclear whether the Seattle Jewish community will provide a strong enough market to support the station. "Oy, what do we need Jewish TV for?" asked Moshe Friedman, 86, who spoke to a reporter at the Stroum Jewish Community Center on Mercer Island. "You can't even get a decent bagel in this town. They should learn to make bagels instead of wasting time on TV shows." Mr. Friedman walked out of the room, crumpling the paper plate from his bagel with lox shmear and continuing to mutter about bagels.

Others were more upbeat. "I can't wait to finally learn how to make kreplach!" enthused Miriam Rubin, 42, of Wallingford. "I'm still kicking myself that I didn't get my bubbe's recipe before she passed. Hers were the best!" Ms. Rubin paused to consider. "And cholent. I'm dying to make cholent, but it seems so intimidating, you know?"

"I'm telling you, people are beating the door down for KVEY," said Mrs. Mecklenberg. "It'll be the best thing since knish mixes. Do you know how hard I used to work making knishes? You don't want to know how hard."

KVEY launches on Thursday, July 1, at 8 p.m., with the first episode of its weekly reality show, "Who Wants to Marry a Nice Jewish Boy?"

Surfing with Style

Excerpts from the new section on Internet style in the Chicago Manual of Style, 16th Edition (forthcoming on August 1):

8.38 Acronyms. Many weblogs and social networking groups employ acronyms for common expressions, such as LOL, OMG (and its variant ZOMG), etc. No settled style has emerged for rendering acronyms, but Chicago recommends using all capital letters rather than all lowercase (but see 8.39). A mix of capital and lowercase letters should be avoided at all costs.

8.39 Capitalization and lowercase. Whether to use sentence-style capitalization or only lowercase in online discourse is a decision to be made by the individual writer. If lowercase style is chosen, it should be implemented consistently, including for acronyms (cf. 8.38). Always avoid using all capital letters, a style often referred to as "shouting."

8.40 Emphasis. When typing in plain text, where italics are not an option, use asterisks surrounding the emphasized text. The use of multiple asterisks for additional stress is not recommended.

    Mr. Jones said the necklace was *especially* becoming.

8.41 An alternative method. Rendering a word or words in all capital letters is another common method of indicating emphasis. Chicago recommends avoiding this method for long phrases.

    "Chocolate and cilantro should NEVER be combined," he cautioned.

8.42 @ symbol. Users of the social networking tool Twitter employ the "at" symbol (@) before a fellow Twitter user's id to communicate directly with that person and to enable other Twitter users to connect more easily with the person being addressed. There should be no space between the symbol and the user's id.

    @goofus7359

Use of this symbol is becoming prevalent on other platforms, such as on Facebook or in weblog comment threads, but Chicago does not recommend this practice as it serves no practical purpose.

8.43 Abbreviations. Shortened forms of words or the replacement of words by numbers and symbols may be employed in casual contexts. This departure from Chicago's former style reflects the fact that these forms have achieved the status of settled usage. Punctuation is typically dropped in these contexts, and the abbreviated forms are often attached to the previous word.

    Give me ur# i have sthg 4u

BP Apologizes for Apology for Oil Spill

Responding to widespread public outrage over a recent advertising campaign in which it apologized for the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum today issued a statement apologizing for the original ads.

"British Petroleum deeply regrets its error in apologizing for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill," said Sandy Logan, a spokesperson for the company. "It has been our goal and desire from the beginning to make amends, and we wanted people to know that. Clearly, we did not express ourselves well, and we would like to extend our sincere apologies to those who were upset or afflicted by our apology." BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, has also told reporters, "This apology was a tragic misstep that never should have happened. We will do everything we can so this never happens again."

The company submitted its original apology in the form of a commercial featuring Hayward that appeared on national television beginning last week, and also ran advertisements in major newspapers. Phrases in the ads such as "We will make this right" caused widespread anger and mockery. Environmentalists and other critics have pointed out that the damage to wildlife and to the livelihoods of fishermen and small-business owners along the Gulf coast is already done. "What are they going to make right?" asked Andrew Benedict, a fisherman in Venice, Louisiana. "Can they bring the fish and the birds back to life?"

"British Petroleum is committed to cleaning up this spill," said Logan. However, "out of consideration for people's feelings, we will try to downplay this commitment as much as possible." If necessary, she added, the company will even fight attempts to hold it financially accountable for the damage, "just so people don't have to see how sorry we are."

In the meantime, Logan said, the company has taken out full-page ads in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal, scheduled to run tomorrow. "These ads express 'our sincere apology for the pain and suffering we have caused by apologizing. We have learned from this difficult experience, and we will make this right.' Oops, did that make it into the final version? Excuse me, I have to make some calls."

If You Don't Like the Weather . . .

I use weather.com for all my forecast needs. So of course I noticed when they recently rolled out an exciting new feature. Hour-by-hour forecast not precise enough for you? Now you can see a fifteen-minute breakdown for the first four hours!

This handy feature gives me a new appreciation for the great variety in the weather of even one day. You can see this variety in the forecast, now more detailed than ever before, for the next twenty-four hours or so in my Seattle neighborhood:

Right now, at 10:45 p.m., it is cloudy. (Also dark, so you can't see the clouds that well, but it's nice to know they're there.) It will remain this way until 11:45, at which time we will have Few Snow Showers! But only for fifteen minutes: at midnight, the Few Snow Showers will turn into Light Snow. We get to enjoy the Light Snow for a full hour, but at 1:00 a.m. it will ease back into Few Snow Showers, followed by Snow at 1:15. If that's too much precipitation for you, don't worry: a mere forty-five minutes later, it will scale back into Light Snow again. You can enjoy the lightness of the snow all the way up to 5:00 a.m., at which time it will start to Snow. Hunker down until 6:00 a.m., when we can expect some Light Snow. This continues until noon, when it changes to Few Snow Showers, which will be followed by a Snow Shower at 3:00 p.m. Be prepared for Few Snow Showers at 6 p.m., continuing until 9 p.m.

At 9 p.m. it will be cloudy.