Seattle “Sunpocalypse” Drags On

The unremitting sun and blue skies that have beaten down on Seattle for the past few weeks have brought the city to a virtual standstill. Demoralized residents have dubbed the unusual weather event “Sunpocalypse” or “Sunmageddon.”

“I’m totally freaked out,” said Janine Walsh, a freelance graphic designer who lives in the Madrona neighborhood. “I love the Seattle summer, but hello, this is October! It’s supposed to be cold, drizzly, and miserable. I feel totally cheated.”

Walsh’s concerns were echoed by other Seattle residents. “It’s too gorgeous out there,” said Chris Madsen of West Seattle. “I can’t concentrate. And I’m afraid to go near the beach because people keep smiling at me! What happened to the Seattle I know and love?”

“I have Seasonal Affective Disorder,” said Amy Wong of Green Lake, referring to the depression that can affect people who are deprived of sunlight. “I should be deep in existential angst by this time of year. Instead I’m brimming with energy and excitement. This is all wrong.”

Many Seattleites have been unable to get to work. “The roads are just too dangerous,” said Ben Carlyle, a software developer at Microsoft. “People keep staring out the window at the beautiful trees, with leaves glistening in the sunlight, and don’t pay attention to the road. I’m staying home till this is over. I have food, but I’m really bored by now.”

The ongoing sunny streak has led to a run on basic supplies, such as sunscreen and sunglasses. “We’re backed up on orders for prescription sunglasses,” confirmed Gina McNamara, an optician at Eyes on YOU, in Ballard. Most local drugstores have run out of all but 15 SPF sunscreen.

Not everyone is unhappy with the weather. Several particularly scenic blocks on Queen Anne hill near the Kerry Park overlook, which have been closed to traffic due to “the menace of inattention,” as Seattle Department of Transportation spokesperson Joe McCarra put it, were dotted with sunbathers, many of them lying in the middle of the road. “We’re taking back the streets of Seattle,” explained a young woman, who closed her eyes and stretched out before a reporter could ask her name.

Transplants from other parts of the country have reacted to “Sunpocalypse 2012” with attitudes ranging from amusement to frustration. “I moved here from Philadelphia in 2009, and I can’t believe what I’m seeing,” said Tim Messinger, a web developer. “We have blistering hundred-degree weather in Philadelphia, and everyone just puts on sunscreen and walks around with hand-held fans and gets on with it. Here we have a few days of sunshine and everything grinds to a halt. It’s ridiculous!”

“I’m not going to work because I refuse to drive in this,” added Carl Sanchez, a system administrator. “Not because I don’t know how to drive in this weather—I grew up in New York—but because nobody else does. People here don’t understand basic stuff that people in other parts of the country do as a matter of course, like how to adjust their sun visors so they can see. Let me know when the clouds come out.”

Seattle Mayor Mike McGinn has drawn criticism for his handling of the disaster. “He should be doing more,” complained Kristen Hall of Wallingford, echoing the opinion of many residents. “Why doesn’t he send firefighters onto the roofs with hoses and giant strainers so people can go back to work?”

The mayor has responded by urging calm. “I know everyone is worried and upset, but relief is on the way,” he said this afternoon. “If we can just hold out till the end of this week, I can promise Seattleites eight straight months of raw, drizzly, dark days.”